Becoming the Butterfly
by jennibare
Summary: It's a long, long way from the attempted conquering of Ba Sing Se to owning a tea shop there. Iroh's metamorphosis and Spirit World journey before and after Ba Sing Se.


**Warnings: Alcohol, drugs, some sexual innuendo and language  
Rating: PG13?  
Summary: It's a long, long way from the attempted conquering of Ba Sing Se to owning a tea shop there. Iroh's metamorphosis and Spirit World journey. Iroh's story before and after Ba Sing Se.**

 **A/N: This was lingering on my computer as a work in process for a very long time. It was time for it to see the light of day. It's scattered and chaotic. Perhaps like the life Iroh led.**

* * *

I have been away too long, they say. Off slaying dragons and earthbenders. I had heard the rumors that Mother, Fire Lady Ilah, was pregnant again but I quickly dismissed them. She was far too old to provide another heir to our father. Then again what my father wants he gets and a child would be no different. Then I had heard the rumors several months later that my mother has died from the complications of birth but the son she carried survived.

"Ozai" is what he is named. "A spare child" is what he is called. I am disappointed I am not able to see my mother one last time or to be there for the birth of my brother but such is the way of a soldier. I am 22 years old. A strong firebender and heir to the throne. I love traveling the world, despite the reasons for such actions, and learning about the indigenous peoples before our troops move to overtake them. We have won our latest military venture and head home to our families.

After I debrief my father on our recent triumph and receive his praise as usual, I go to visit my new brother more out of courtesy than anything else. Whistling softly, I arrive in the nursery and wait until the wet nurse is done feeding him that the kind young woman offers him to me. She gently places him in my arms and comments that I would make a handsome father some day. I reply that maybe she would care to join me later to see if we can make that come true. She blushes prettily and I know I will not be spending my first nights home by myself. After admiring the view of her backside for a moment as she leaves, I turn my attention to this little creature in my arms. Ozai is now hardly five months old. He is a strong boy with a shock of black hair and the golden eyes of our father. I smile as this little being coos at me. A clenching in my chest suddenly makes me yearn for one of my own. Although a little voice in the back of my head ponders how many half-bloods I have sired in my travels.

I am yet still too young to marry in my eyes, despite many women's desires to be my bride and my father's demands to strengthen ties with the nobles through my wedlock. However I know many, especially here at court, see my rank rather than myself. I would love to have one woman to come home to, one woman to give me many children that we may play with and teach the ways of our ancestors, one woman to love and cherish. While I have had many, many lovers, I will not marry one who only stirs my loins.

However I am stretched far too thin around the Earth Kingdom to give further thought to the matter. I enjoy the fight these people give us. I enjoy their weather, their food, their wine, and their women. I simply do not have time for marriage.

But I do have time for endless war meetings, social occasions celebrating our greatness, tea, and getting to know this little boy. I take him to Ember Island and enjoy watching him play in the sand. His nurse tells me our father has only laid eyes on him once and I frown at the thought of not enjoying this little person. I take it upon myself to be more than an older brother.

 **oOoOoOo**

I am home hardly seven months that I get word that I am to join the Southern Raiders for a raid on the South Pole. It's too cold for my blood and I command that we are to be quick in the raid. There are two waterbenders according to our source and therefore we must eliminate them. I admire their fight as well. I have not experienced the Water Tribe before and despite their small village, I am highly impressed with the fight their warriors give.

We round up the two waterbenders, a teenage girl and a boy no older than eight, and take them aboard the ship. they do not make it however, choosing death over imprisonment. I respect that. Before we leave, I approach a petite woman, a lone child in the pack at her breast.

Coming back to my task at hand I am unnecessarily polite, "Where is the chief, Miss..?"

"Kanna," she answers tightly, "I am the chief's wife. He is away on a hunt."

I nod and stroke my beard, "and there are no others here?"

"No, you have taken them all. Now leave us be," she has a fighting spirit that I admire despite her heritage. The set of her jaw tells me to not continue this, but my eyes land on the child in her pack. I lean forward and inspect the little one. His blue eyes look up at me and I see the fighting spirit reflected in these orbs as well. Before I can touch the little brown head, the woman pulls away and grunts a warning to me. I only laugh, "He is a beautiful child. You are a lucky woman."

"I will be luckier when you people leave us alone." I laugh again. How I love their spirit and pride! I nod my head to her and turn to board my ship.

A young soldier, he couldn't be older than 20 at best, approached me once we are back on our ship and our course set for home.

"You should not be so kind to them, General Iroh," he says harshly. "They are dogs and should be treated as such."

I am not a tall man but my persona makes up for my lack of height. "What is your name, son?"

He bows respectfully to me giving the proper salute, "Ensign Zhao, sir."

"Well, Ensign Zhao, perhaps when you get to my position you can decide how the enemy is treated, but until that time, I will treat them with courtesy and respect as the humans they are and, as your superior, maybe you can learn to respect my judgment." I flash a fire whip at him barely missing him. This is a warning of my power and he heeds it.

I hear him grumble a "yes, sir," then he bows lower and turns and walks away. I find more and more this new generation of military men is more about the fight and less about the delicacy of certain situations.

OoOoO

I am in the Earth Kingdom in some simple village with my men. The fire whiskey warms our stomachs and these beautiful Earth Kingdom women warm our loins. As one such green-eyed lovely sits on my lap and makes sure my glass is always full, my men enjoy such pleasures as well in the rooms above the tavern. I know the natives despise our very presence, but they say nothing because they know what we will do to them. I believe more than anything they hate what we leave behind- the half-blood bastards that survive the poisonous herbs the women take to rid themselves of the desecration.

"You know what we should do?" I inquire to one of my men, a firebender and a heartless wretch if there was ever one, between kissing the neck and ears of the woman atop me. This woman is wiggling in my grasp too, but not to get away from me, I assure you!

"What should we do?" Mongke slurs, sloshing the contents of his drink on Yeh-Lu, the best bombardier I have ever had the privilege of serving with, who sits next to him casually wipes away the liquid and returns to the woman on his own lap. She shies away and tries to wiggle from his grasp, but I see him capture her face in his dirtied hand and give her a look that clearly says she will regret denying him. Her shoulders slump and she submits. I mentally shake my head. These young men don't know how to woo these creatures.

"We should form a group," I announce.

"Like a singing group?" Kahchi asks holding up his cup in the air then begins singing a romantic ballad to the lovely lady sitting next to him, who blushes prettily. I mentally nod my head. This young man knows how this is done. His song is interrupted by a punch from Mongke.

"No, like a special group. Elite. Better than these worthless soldiers out there." I wave my hands around the tavern at the worthless drones who make up the rest of my troop. "Who should we have?" I stroke my beard thoughtfully.

"Vachir definitely," I glance over to the archer who is meticulously playing with the strings of a woman's kimono as though she is his bow.

 **oOoOoOo**

I have been away from my home for nearly twelve years now. My baby brother is a no longer a baby and we will be celebrating his coming of age ceremony. He is given the rites of passage, his foreskin offered to Agni in that this purified young man will follow the path of the ancestors. Songs are sung in his honor, foods served, and wine poured while he sits uncomfortably on the dais and is treated like a god for his special day. I notice despite his discomfort, he is relishing the attention from our people. He catches my eye and I smile and raise my glass to him. He merely glares then turns away. As the nobles drink and eat and praise this new man in their midst, a young lady across the room catches my eye. Her glossy black hair in the formal bun, her golden eyes highlighted with kohl. I can hardly breathe for she has taken away my breath.

I know I am well past typical marrying age now that I am 35. As a general in my nation's army, the prince and heir to the crown, I know what is expected of me and despite the offers of women that have been thrown at me from various noblemen, I am a picky man. Not that I do not appreciate each one's loveliness, I know beauty fades whereas love only grows and I will not enter into a loveless marriage. I converse with this beauty and discover she is 14 years my junior, the daughter of a colonial governor, and as witty and humorous as I. It is only when she invites me several days later for a cup of tea and a game of Pai Sho that I know she is the one.

Within the year, Lian-Hua becomes my bride. In our wing of the palace I chase my love through the halls and capture her with kisses. I am alive in a way I have not been in many years since I have met her. I lavish all my affections on her as she does to me. My father does not understand us. He doesn't understand why I should desire to spend all my free time with my wife, why during war meetings all I can think about is her smiling face. It is only when he confronts me on my spending after I buy her yet another extravagant gift that I come up with something that he may understand.

"Father, it is well known that a men breeds from his loins, yes? However, a woman breeds from her heart. For an optimal heir, would it not be best that the mother be happy? Would it not be in our nation's interest that I create a happy wife to give you a healthy grandchild to carry on our great family's bloodline?"

He looks upon me sternly from his throne and I see just the slightest hint of a smile at his lips and he then grunts an agreement to my case. My father never bothered me again about my frivolity.

I love this woman with as much as my heart allows and my desires for a child mirror hers and we try as often as I am home from my duties of war. After two years, of marriage she smiles up at me the morning I am to leave again for the Earth Kingdom.

"Iroh?" She is radiant in my arms and I regret having to leave her embrace in several hours. I could spend eternity in her arms and she in mine.

"Yes," I murmur against her silky cream skin my lips trailing across her neck, my beard tickling her sensitive skin, her giggles lighting my inner fires.

"I wish I could go with you." I love it when she pouts because she is not a pouty woman.

I look down at her, stroke her cheek and smile gently, "A flower of your beauty should not be tarnished by the horrors of war."

"But what of your beauty? Should it not be tarnished as well?" she asks sincerely, tilting her head slightly. I laugh heartily at my wife's compliments.

"Ah, you spoil an old man," I wrap my arms around her and bring her above my body so that she straddles me; my hands begin unwrapping the ties that hold her sleeping robes in place.

Her fingers shoo mine away as she seductively finishes what I start, "Ha! Old man indeed! Men half your age can hardly match your stamina in the battlefield and in the bedroom. You are a true dragon of the west, my prince."

"And you, my princess, make this old dragon happy." I lean up to capture her lips again with mine.

"I bet I can make you happier," she teases, moving her lips to whisper in my ear, nipping the lobe, "I'm pregnant."

My heart bursts soaring to the heavens above and I make love to my Lian-Hua our joyful tears mixing together at the life we created.

I regret that I have to leave her behind. But now that she is carrying an heir to the throne, and more importantly my child, I will not have her go. I write to her every day. I am in the occupied territory of Hu Xin province to squash an Earth Kingdom uprising. This is what I hate most about my job. The senseless killing in the name of something so meaningless, so trivial, so unnecessary. That the world cannot see how we are all one is beyond me. I have never believed the lies my people have told. Having seen the world first hand I know that everything this younger generation of Fire Nation citizens is told is all lies and propaganda.

 **oOoOoOo**

He comes back to Fire Nation and his wife is very pregnant and within two weeks she delivers Lu Ten. He is a very proud papa, and Azulon is proud that there is a boy. We are the happiest parents on earth I am sure of it. I watch as my little Lu Ten grows and feeds from my wife's breast, unlike the children of other nobles.

My brother visits from the Royal Academy for Boys. He is a strapping 16 year old now and looks so much like our father. I ask him to join Lian-Hua and I for a trip to Ember Island but he sourly declines. I see darkness in his eyes that gets worse each time I see him.

When Lu Ten is five, a viral epidemic spreads across the Fire Nation killing thousands. Believed to have been brought by men coming home from the Earth Kingdom, they are placed in isolation on an island left to die. Several of the nobility catch the disease including my precious Lian-Hua, who was five months along with our second child. She succumbs to it and passes away just before Lu Ten's sixth birthday. She is given a proper Fire Nation cremation and Iroh mourns the loss of his beloved wife, but at least his son is alive and healthy and for that he thanks the spirits.

 **oOoOoOo**

Ozai is jealous of his uncle Lu Ten as he appears to get more attention from Azulon than he does. Also seeing how Iroh treats his son and comparing it to how his father treats him. While Iroh tried to be generous and loving to his little brother, Ozai had become so emotionally deprived that he was lost.

Ozai marries Ursa at age 25. An arranged marriage, two years later Zuko is born. He wanted a daughter. Maybe then fatherhood wouldn't hurt so badly.

 **oOoOoOo**

It was a great honor that I was picked to lead the attack on Ba Sing Se. I had dreamed many times that I would be its conqueror and I vowed to my father that I would. My son, my Lu Ten, joined with me and together Ba Sing Se would crumble under our might. But my dreams had lied. It was at Ba Sing Se that my nightmares began.

We had been gaining ground for 600 days and finally we breached the outer wall. Our troops were stationed in the inner wall and it was an ambush on our troops in the dead of night when they knew we would be at our weakest. Those fucking Earth Kingdom bastards killed my only son along with his troop. My life. My only reason for being on this world. After his mother died, he was all I had left.

He is dead. I didn't kill him myself, but I may as well have. I shouldn't have let him come with me. He should have stayed home or be stationed somewhere safer. I shouldn't have let him lead the troop. I spoiled him and now he is gone.

This is all my fault.

All my fault.

… All my fault…

I order the troops out. Many of the higher ranking officers who sit behind in their fancy barracks question me. The men who actually fight are too tired to care anymore. We had done enough damage and so had they. We're done. I'm done. I pack my things in the middle of the night and leave. I can't watch the funeral. I can't watch my disgrace. My dishonor. I just can't do it.

 **oOoOoOo**

After Lu Ten's death, Iroh begins drinking and whoring around. Ursa finds him in a remote Earth Kingdom village six months after Ozai's coronation. He is a far cry from the man she remembers back at the palace.

The light was so bright against the headache forming. A figure stood at the end of the bed. A woman. Another one to join in? Iroh smiled to himself as he pulled the two supple bodies next to him closer to make room for a third. Lovely, he thought.

"Leave us," the woman said harshly to the girls beside Iroh. Scrambling from the bed, they gathered their clothes around themselves trying to retain some modesty. The woman watched them leave the room and turned to Iroh. He was already up stretching his aching muscles from the escapades from the night before, not caring that he was bare before this woman he had known back when he was somebody. She watched the former general as he pulled on the cleanest dirty pants he had. Hygiene wasn't a priority. What he needed was in one of those bottles scattered around his room.

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be Fire Lady?' he said bitterly, rummaging through the bottles around the little room trying desperately to find one that would have a few precious drops left. Alas, none did. He threw the last bottle in frustration against the wall shattering to hundred pieces. His buzz was lessoning and he couldn't have that. It would mean he would have to feel again.

"I was banished."

"Banished? Whatever could you have done? You were a perfect princess for a perfect prince."

I did something horrible to get my husband on the throne, but that's not important. I need your help."

You don't need me. I'm a worthless general. No one needs me." He plopped back onto the bed and ran his hands through his rapidly graying hair, squeezing his eyes shut tightly against the throbbing that was beginning behind his eyes.

"I need you," she announced softly, settling in on the bed next to him, placing her delicate pale hand onto his. How she didn't vomit from his stench he didn't know, but there she sat. Her golden eyes gazing at him with such gentle concern. She repeated herself, "I need you to watch over Zuko. I kept Ozai at bay, but now I have no way to watch over him. Please, Iroh. I need you to do this for me. You know how Ozai feels about him. I fear for my baby's safety and I need someone I can trust. " He had never heard her plea before, but the longing in her voice was similar to the longing in his heart for his own son.

I couldn't even save my own son how can I save yours?"

"Please Iroh."

Hmph, he snorted. He couldn't go back to the Fire Nation. He was a disgrace. The once proud, great General Iroh, now a drunken nobody. But the reassuring hand on my own squeezed gently and those golden eyes, rimmed in red from her tears, convinced me to go back.

"Lu Ten isn't coming back, Iroh, but you've been given a second chance. I need you. Zuko needs you. Please. Do this for us. Please."

He agrees.

I need to be cleansed of this. I travel home to the Fire Nation on ostrich horse and I lose my way. I am in a swamp. It's hot, which I appreciate, but it's also muggy and sweaty. I make camp for the night. I cut several branches and start a fire.

In the swamp he meets the waterbenders there. Huu is the first to meet him as he is protecting his swamp from this invader. It is here that he studies the waterbenders and learns more about openness and peace.

The people are primitive and I watch their movements and am fascinated by them.

In private I tell Huu of my troubles.

"Come, cousin," he gestures to me. We walk to where the head shaman, a man who must be as old as this banyan tree, sits in meditation. My troubles are translated for this ancient man and he nods knowingly. He motions for me to sit and together Huu and I sit. A bowl in passed to me containing a strange white powder along with a double barreled tube.

"Take in the powder," the shaman explains, "And it will enlighten you."

As apprehensive as I am, I have smoked herbs before and know the pleasures that it brings, so I do not question the action. I put the tube to my nose as the man next to me had done, I close my eyes and take a deep whiff and feel my nostrils burn as the powder passes. As I pass the bowl, my head reels. There are flashes and sparks behind my eyes and the ground is quaking and the atmosphere is suddenly frigid cold. I am nodding my head and the chanting begins and it's too much for me.

He journeys to the Spirit World.

He takes a swamp bending lover. She is sensuous in her movements and watching her command her elements makes me envious of the water.

He stays with the Foggy Swamp Tribe for six months before returning to the Fire Nation. The meeting with Ozai goes well enough but the tension is thick.

"Are you here to claim the throne, brother?" Ozai inquires.

"No," I affirm. "I have no desire in such things."

"I suppose a failure shouldn't be on the throne."

"Says the man who never once saw battle," I retort.

"You may be my brother, but you will respect me," Ozai roars, the wall of flames spiking in his anger.

"Of course, my Lord. I meant no disrespect." I know this game well.

As I promised my dear sweet Ursa, I take her son under my wing. He has become more like my brother than I wish in his mother's absence, but that is why I am here. It is only on that fateful afternoon that my indulgence on my nephew brings dire consequences.

"I want to go in," the boy demands. Tantrums are very unbecoming on princes but this boy has been spoiled. "They won't let me go in Uncle."

I stroke my beard thinking that he is now 13, he has been through the ceremonies of becoming a man, and it is time that he begin to learn how the games in these war meetings are played. I warn him to keep quiet but in the passion only a youth could have, he speaks out. And this is his demise.

That evening, they are in the Agni Kai chamber and much to the surprise of many, except to me, my brother, my Zuko's own sire, is there waiting to challenge the boy. I watch in terror as he kneels and begins to beg for mercy. But I know that my brother doesn't allow mercy and cowardice as our father before him didn't allow it with Ozai and I turn my head from the scene as his young screams and the scent of burnt flesh fill the arena. I suppose my brother is merciful in that he allowed Zuko to live and the scar was all the punishment the boy received. I am by his side as he recovers in the hospital until my brother calls for me in the throne room.

I bow respectfully to this monster who I once called brother. Now I have no respect in my heart for this person before me.

"Zuko is to be banished," my brother informs me.

Anger flushes through me. Ozai's eyes widen slightly as the flame wall burns brighter and hotter. "Banished? But he is 13-year-old child! How can you possibly-"

Ozai instantly cuts me off, "If he is old enough to attend war meetings and fight Agni Kai's then he is old enough to be banished. He is a man and as such will be treated as one who has disrespected his Fire Lord."

"His Fire Lord is more importantly his father and a father should not banish his own blood."

"I am the Fire Lord and this is what I command."

"So he is never to return to his homeland then?"

Ozai thinks for a moment, wickedly smiling, "Perhaps if he finds the Avatar."

I stand and look him dead in the eye. He may be the Fire Lord, but I am still the older brother and as such I carry a weight of respect in my own rights. "That is a fool's errand. The Avatar is lost to history. You should know that first hand."

The search for the Avatar is the only campaign my brother has ever experienced, ended after less than three months due to boredom.

"You undermine your Fire Lord's judgment, too? Did you not see that I will be obeyed and respected?" The flames surrounding him flare and spark this time in his obvious anger.

Ah ha! So that is what this about. I have heard rumors questioning my brother's rise to the throne and how one so inexperienced in the ways of the world and battle can rule those who fight in His name. By showing the nation that even his own son is not immune to his power that Ozai is the rightful heir. "Lust for power is a traitorous thing," I say, "Respect comes to those that earn it not to one who demands it."

He rushes from his throne with a great angered growl and blasts fire at me. Despite my age and weight, I move with the dexterity of a dragon and simply counter the attack my experienced hands dissolving the flames around me. He strikes again in anger and again I easily deflect his attacks. This goes on until he is bowed before me, panting and sweating, and growling like a caged beast.

"You are banished as well," he growls.

"No I'm not," I stare down at my little brother, "However, I will join my nephew. Someone should be a father to him and you have obviously made your choice."

Keeping a level head is the sign of a great leader

64yo

It is at this time that Zuko discovers the Avatar and Zuko's real journey begins.

The pirate's blasting of the war ship. Iroh leaves Zuko behind to brood.

I hear the blast behind me. I even feel the heat of the flames from this far away and the rumble of the ground. Rushing back, in horror I find our ship in flames. My mind reels. Not again! I pray. No! Not again! I won't lose another child! My Zuko!

I fall to the ground as the tears rush from my eyes. My Zuko is gone as my Lu Ten before him. Lt. Jee is the first to arrive.

"Iroh! Come!" he orders me as the wooden docks catch fire and roll towards me. I cannot move. I will not move. I will let the flames of the ancestors take me as they have taken my children.

Jee gets us a room in the town.

It is there that Zuko comes and Iroh sees that he is alive after all. Iroh cries and hardly lets Zuko out of his sight. It is here the three men plan out the Zhao thing where Zuko hides in plain sight as a soldier.

Brief summary of North Pole, escape from there, etc. to when they cut their top knots/ponytails at the river.

My nephew hands me the dagger I gave to him so many years ago. It is considered disgraceful not to wear the knots on our heads but now we are no longer part of that nation. We are fugitives, outlaws, disgraces.

Free.

Summary of S2 basically until "Crossroads of Destiny" and his disappointment in Zuko's choice. He ponders where he went wrong in his guidance of this lost child.

He is arrested and taken back in chains to the FN where he is imprisoned. The mental anguish and struggle to overcome his imprisonment. He escapes from prison and goes to Piandao's house. There he makes the call to the White Lotus to fight. He then journeys to Omashu meeting with Bumi and gradually makes his way back to Ba Sing Se, where several of the order have already begun setting themselves up.

The kids have done it! They have won. The war is over. It is with great pride that I watch my beloved nephew take the crown that he has rightfully earned. This man is what our nation needs. His friends what the world needs. Destiny has indeed been kind to all of us. After an extensive celebration, I return to Ba Sing Se to my tea shop. Sweeping away the carnage that occurred here, I pause for a moment and go outside to watch the sunset. A swarm of butterflies roll past me and I open my hands to them.

I have found peace.

I have become the butterfly.

* * *

 _Thank you for reading. Like I said, it's chaotic and unpolished. Perhaps someday I give it some love but for know it's out in the world._


End file.
